Family Systems Clash!

    

In my younger adolescent years, my mom was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Slowly, we began to develop unwritten rules about what we could and could not say, such as "Why doesn't Mom go hiking with us anymore?" "Why is Mom too tired to play with us?" and the biggest one, no one, not even the youngest kids, ever mentioned, "Why doesn't Mom do as many chores as we do?". Not every family will have something like a disease to blame for its unwritten rules, but we all have them: assigned seats at the dinner table, spots in the car, games whose rules need not be written, and countless others. These rules often pop up in every Family System, whether we realize it or not, so what happens when we get married and these unwritten rules are broken? More on that later. 

Family Systems explains the connections families share, other than the legal definition of family. It describes the love we share, the structures we develop (Marriage & Families, Lauer & Lauer), and the ways each family member affects each other on an individual level. The theory primarily focuses on families with children, but breaking it down into its smaller parts reveals the foundations that newlyweds should be facing as they create the framework for their future family system. 

I remember when I first got married, we struggled because we were each raised differently. Due to my mother's Arthritis, we tended to let the house get dirtier than most families, resulting in each cleaning session when we did do chores to be a long endeavor. T’s family, in comparison, cleaned every single day, so it took thirty minutes on an average night. Cleaning was one of the first areas we clashed as a couple, and there were many more moments like it as we continued. Surely other couples struggle with merging family systems as much as we did. Most Newlyweds often struggle with financial decisions, intimacy, household chores, and don't get me started on the fact that the moment you get married, you forget how to communicate with each other! How in the world is anyone expected to ease the transition from Fiancé to Family? 

Family Systems theory ties into everything else I studied this week, but it wasn't my only frame of focus. As I researched the complexities of family, I learned that one size simply can't fit all, and therefore, more than one theory is necessary to explain the complexity of families. This week, I also studied ecological theory, exchange theory, and, of course, Family Systems Theory.  

I sadly won't have the time to go into great depths on these theories, but I will try to highlight their main and most important points, starting with Ecological Theory, Ecological Theory believes that couples will be influenced by factors outside of themselves, such as work, culture, friends, and the big one, the in laws. It's important, as we begin to decide what our marriage will look like, to understand that those around us will have their own biases, and they will try to force them onto you. Whether it's a baby name or deciding where to spend the holidays, everyone will have an opinion on your marriage, but you must strive to take each with a grain of salt. They are not your spouse, and they simply can't know what is best for your family. Establishing boundaries as a couple before you talk to others and seek advice will strengthen your identity and define your future as a family. 

Next, we have Exchange Theory, it believes that every relationship is built on a balance of rewards and costs. If I clean the kitchen, it will be easier to make dinner tonight, that's the reward, but cleaning the kitchen will take time and energy, that's the cost.  

Exchange Theory can be used while pursuing the Family Systems Theory. As a couple, you will always have separate opinions and values, but as a young couple, you can develop a new system separate from your family's old one. A new system can help you to feel more like a family unit. Although our previously mentioned Family Systems were drastically different, marriage gave my husband and I a chance to start fresh, building a new system for our family, as we write our own rules together. Through theories like Family Systems, Exchange, and Ecological, I’ve learned that successful marriages require more than love; they need awareness, negotiation, and adaptability. No couple enters marriage fully formed—they grow into it by recognizing how their histories influence their present, and by choosing, day by day, to build something new. The transition from fiancé to family is rarely smooth, but with communication, respect, and an understanding of these frameworks, it’s possible.

(Old and New Family Systems)