Tight Walls and Tight Budgets

     As a theater major, I find lessons and stories in every play I read, popular or unpopular. Today, I bring this up because I want to talk about a rather famous musical and its most popular song. Fiddler on the Roof is set in early 1900s Russia, just before the Jews were cast out of the country. It takes place in a small Jewish community filled with less prosperous characters, the focus being the father and head of the main family's household, Tevye. One day, as he is doing his daily chores, he sings the show's most well-known song, “If I Were a Rich Man.” Through the song and the monologue that leads into it, he asks God why he was born poor, why can't he be a rich man, and what he would do if he had been born wealthy:

“Lord, who made the lion and the lamb,

You decreed I should be what I am;

Would it spoil some vast eternal plan,

If I were a wealthy man?”

— Lyrics by Sheldon Harnick (1964)

    Do we not all ask these questions at one point or another? Often, I find it tempting to reflect on what life would be like if, miraculously, we all had a few thousand dollars to pay off our debts, buy a proper home, and build actual savings. Like Tevye, it is easy to imagine that life's problems would disappear if we simply had more money. But life is never that simple.

    So why am I talking about money on a relationship blog? Simple. Because a large percentage of couples struggle with financial stress.

    I’ve lived on both sides of the financial spectrum. When I was little, my family owned a two-story home in a small town, far from almost everything. When my dad got a job in Salt Lake, we moved closer to the city, but couldn’t sell our old house for several years. That left us in a smaller home, and eventually, after a string of challenges—including the unexpected death of our landlord—we ended up in a cramped townhome.

    Through all this, I experienced the world from many economic perspectives. I went from a Title I elementary school to a private arts academy in junior high, then transitioned back to public education before high school. After I graduated, my family finally found some stability and was able to afford a home with lots of space and land. I’ve seen the struggle of living paycheck to paycheck, but I’ve also witnessed what it’s like to have more than enough. And here’s what I’ve learned: no financial situation is truly better than another—each brings trials and experiences.

    Having money will solve many of life’s logistical problems, but I remember a twinge of fear in my heart as my family prepared to leave our townhome. The lack of a yard led to countless hikes and trips to the park. Every night, we all relaxed together in the family room, our relationships strengthened by the lack of space between us. I lived with my family in their new home a little over a year before leaving for college and eventually getting married, but during that time, I noticed our relationship and habits changing. We didn’t leave the house for adventures as often, and we spent fewer nights doing things together—more nights simply staying in nearby rooms with less interaction than we used to.

    Living in that townhouse with our terrible landlords was stressful and cramped, but we had each other. That was enough to get us through the three years we spent there.

    Getting married, I found myself back in those familiar tight walls, dealing not just with the lack of space, but the very real experience of stressing over money and the toll it can take on a relationship. The first month of our marriage, T couldn’t find work anywhere. We were stressed beyond belief, and our relationship quickly became all about money—or rather, the lack of it. Financial stress is one of the leading causes of conflict in most relationships. It’s real, exhausting, and can feel never-ending.

    Eventually, T got a job, and we were able to move past that stressful time. But I want to offer a reminder—to you and to myself—that we’re allowed to feel frustrated without losing sight of what we do have. When I think about the most meaningful moments in my life, none of them involve a paycheck.

    Like Tevye, it’s okay to dream of a life with less struggle. But we can also make peace with the lives we have right now. Not because they’re easy, but because they’re full of people who care about us. And that’s a kind of richness that lasts longer than any paycheck ever could.

( Picture of my and my sisters when we were little gigglin gour butts off at a park, because who needs a back yard?! )